The New Life Plan
(Revised June 15 in the middle of 8:00 meeting)
--Stay in current job until end of 2005. Actually do job, instead of moaning about it. Request and receive emotional and intellectual fulfillment from job.
--Move out of squalid dark hovel and into cute, light-filled apartment with ample closet space and large backyard. Despair at thought of negotiating another round of Craigslist roommate roulette. Demand boyfriend give up serviceable living situation to accommodate needs. No means yes!
--Brainstorm out of the box ideas on further career growth opportunities. Hone interview/corporate speak. Beg friends’ forgiveness after umpteenth comment about the weather being hot enough for them.
--Sew goddamned duvet cover for slowly-yellowing duvet. That’s why you borrowed the sewing machine, jackass.
--Reassure self once again that dog is more or less fulfilled sitting around all afternoon barking at strangers. Refuse to play with dog longer than 15 minutes despite pathetic gaze and repeated squeaking of the squeaky hamster. Hide hamster on top of fridge. Succumb at last to an evening of belly rubs and ear fondling. Concede that her ears are the best, yes they are, and ask how she got so furry.
--Consider hobbies, like skeet-shooting or needlework. Rule out moping, alcoholism and shopping. Consider playing kickball again; get prematurely intimidated by the lesbians and their ball-busting fury. Bemoan lack of coordination; hate boyfriend for claiming ability to play any sport at AAA-level.
--Choke roommate in his sleep after umpteenth stroll through the kitchen clad only in towel; consider it justified. Curse luck at landing roommate who is a vision of portly lumpenness in a towel. Consider boyfriend in towel; renounce violence for vicious sex.
--Choose and apply finish for long-neglected chest of drawers. Get perverse kick out of phrase “chest of drawers.”
--Up training for NY marathon from “half-assed” to “proto-serious.” Get painfully reminded of all the reasons running is stupid, and review the vanity motivating this stupidity (starts with “t” and ends with “highs.”)
--Should Blog of Doom (BoD) get updated more than 2x/month, swear up and down not to end posts with referral to BoD’s amazing lack of topicality and inability to wrest gaze from (admittedly sexy) bellybutton.
--Curb gratuitous use of (admittedly sexy) parenthetical asides.
--Stay in current job until end of 2005. Actually do job, instead of moaning about it. Request and receive emotional and intellectual fulfillment from job.
--Move out of squalid dark hovel and into cute, light-filled apartment with ample closet space and large backyard. Despair at thought of negotiating another round of Craigslist roommate roulette. Demand boyfriend give up serviceable living situation to accommodate needs. No means yes!
--Brainstorm out of the box ideas on further career growth opportunities. Hone interview/corporate speak. Beg friends’ forgiveness after umpteenth comment about the weather being hot enough for them.
--Sew goddamned duvet cover for slowly-yellowing duvet. That’s why you borrowed the sewing machine, jackass.
--Reassure self once again that dog is more or less fulfilled sitting around all afternoon barking at strangers. Refuse to play with dog longer than 15 minutes despite pathetic gaze and repeated squeaking of the squeaky hamster. Hide hamster on top of fridge. Succumb at last to an evening of belly rubs and ear fondling. Concede that her ears are the best, yes they are, and ask how she got so furry.
--Consider hobbies, like skeet-shooting or needlework. Rule out moping, alcoholism and shopping. Consider playing kickball again; get prematurely intimidated by the lesbians and their ball-busting fury. Bemoan lack of coordination; hate boyfriend for claiming ability to play any sport at AAA-level.
--Choke roommate in his sleep after umpteenth stroll through the kitchen clad only in towel; consider it justified. Curse luck at landing roommate who is a vision of portly lumpenness in a towel. Consider boyfriend in towel; renounce violence for vicious sex.
--Choose and apply finish for long-neglected chest of drawers. Get perverse kick out of phrase “chest of drawers.”
--Up training for NY marathon from “half-assed” to “proto-serious.” Get painfully reminded of all the reasons running is stupid, and review the vanity motivating this stupidity (starts with “t” and ends with “highs.”)
--Should Blog of Doom (BoD) get updated more than 2x/month, swear up and down not to end posts with referral to BoD’s amazing lack of topicality and inability to wrest gaze from (admittedly sexy) bellybutton.
--Curb gratuitous use of (admittedly sexy) parenthetical asides.
posted by mrs. pants at 2:36 PM
4 Comments:
Your parenthetical asides aren't the only thing that's sexy. Now c'mere, girl, and let me get a look at those leather pants.
You. Me. Drinky-drinky?
that was fucking badass.
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